Swimming Upstream

I find that I feel lost. I feel like I'm swimming upstream in a river... like I'm going in the wrong direction. I feel like there is something that I should be doing right now that I am not. Something that I was forced away from. I have always been of the mind that there are somethings in life that are more important than others and that in most cases you don't get more than one chance to grab onto those things.. I worry now if I fucked up. Just because of monetary concerns, I let this slip away... and I feel like I really should have done this whole thing differently. I enjoyed my time in New Zealand and Hawaii but I feel like there is someone I should be with specifically right now. Don't mistake the fact that I am glad to see my brother and his girlfriend, and seeing good old Chris Ellis in Honolulu was good times. I don't know when I will get to see any of them again. It will be nice to see everyone in Asheville again, but I have this increasingly overwhelming feeling that it's going to be very underwhelming to return to the things that are familiar... and in my head, sound like they will be fun... and I'm not saying that I don't miss people there and on the East Coast in general... I'm just of the mind (and believe me I tried like hell to be in a different state of being than this in Hawaii, but to no avail) that I should be with someone on my travels... in a completely different part of the world. I still don't know if the situation would pan out to my reading, but I feel like I just sat and watched an entire branch that very well could have been my life decay and fall away. Also, I fear that I am doomed to another branch that I have seen (one that I thought decayed, but continues to cling).

On the other hand, why am I pretending that branches are screens with motion pictures?

I just feel like these things are concentric to my thought processes at this juncture:

 1) where am I going now 2) why am I doing things like I don't have a choice in them